why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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