Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
