Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
