my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
