Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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