So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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