I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
