the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
