**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
