Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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