I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize