Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
