My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
