I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
