Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
