I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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