I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
