Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
