The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize