My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
