what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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