i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We are all done wearing pants today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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