mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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