If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
