I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Randomize
