whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
