I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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