I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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