You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
