He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just google imaged poop.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
