Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
