My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a bag of teeth...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
