Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
