Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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