Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
