I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize