So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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