My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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