a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
