everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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