The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
