I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
