You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
