My first STD was from a foam party
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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