This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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