She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
