I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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