Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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