my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
