So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
