why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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