We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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