You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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