I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
