i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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