goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
