apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
