He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
